It’s storming outside. It’s loud, it’s clear, it’s raining and windy and everything is rattling.
The sky is releasing all of it's raindrops.
And I? I can’t sleep. I have gotten up from bed because for some reason I couldn’t make my brain stop talking to itself.
| It’s these arguments that we have with ourselves that drive us crazy.
Geez shut up. At this point, I’m not sure anymore why I can’t sleep.
I don’t know if it’s the stormy weather, or my mind racing at top speed with no intention of stepping on the breaks.
Let me try and give her a voice, decipher what it is she is trying to figure out.
What could she possibly be trying to tell me?
I’m shaking, I’m shaking on the inside, it's low vibration shake. It's mild but it’s still there.
I’m aching for comfort.
Some closeness. Someone to hold me tight. Really tight.
Hug me right in this moment. Someone, please, keep me safe, even though I know that I could keep myself safe. More important that I know that I don’t need anyone else but myself. But I want someone. I’m yarning for it. I have this deep desire to be held. Hugged. I want to be the small spoon. Comfort me at night, as a break to my big spoon life.
And as much as I hear, oh make 'yourself' happy.
Be your own love life.
Do the work.
Take yourself out.
Go show up for yourself.
Go on that solo vacation…
I just don’t know when I have fulfilled those expectations.
I do the work. I am trying to love myself. I have the courage to go on these vacations across the world by myself, I have gone out alone and met people, but when is enough? Aren't we in a constant work in progress anyways? It feels like I'm working towards this unachievable goal of finally waking up one day and feel and say to myself: "oh I have finally done the solo vacation. I have loved myself, I do all the work... and now I finally worthy of finding love."
What kind of bullshit is that? It's like we kid ourselves in these excuses to explain why we can't or rather aren't finding love. Perhaps because it hurts too much to admit that we are truly feeling unbelievably heart achingly lonely. And that we just want someone to hold us during the night and make us feel worth while.
But we can't do that, because we are taught to be tough and that we can't show THAT level of...weakness?
So I ask myself... No fear. No restraints. No restrictions. When do I get my declaration of love from the one I’ve been waiting for?
When do I get to come home and find someone is waiting for me because they cannot wait to share the best and the also the worst thing that happened to them that day?
When do I get jump up and kiss someone just because I can?
You know, in this modern life with all of it’s perks, amazon prime, 2 day shipping of ANY THING you could possible want, an UBER ride away from your dream XXX- fill in the blank, a swipe away from your perfect man...with all that considered we also seem to put an awful lot of restrictions on ourselves…?
I can’t eat that.
I shouldn’t look at that.
I can’t wear this.
I have to do that.
With all these restraints, I believe I have lost the connections to my inner child's voice. The fearless, irrational, moody, artistic mind that I could let it be.
She was bold and would say what she wanted. Let emotions flow through her body. Express them when needed. Not yet jaded by all this social standard bullshit.
Perhaps I crawled out of bed and started writing to give her a voice again.
What would she say?
It's ok to cry when you want to. It’s ok to feel disappointed.
It’s ok to have expectations.
You are awesome exactly as you are.
You have already succeeded in so many ways.
Now figure out what makes you happy.
Where does that puts me?...I don’t know…
I think that is my lesson. I must become more comfortable with the unknown. With letting go of the need for constant action in order for action to also come to me.
How do I do that though, when I am ready and the universe is simply torturing me with all this loneliness?
All I can say is, the journey will continue exactly the way it going right now. I’m along for the ride and I think I have at least put one foot forward in putting this out there.
And hopefully you can feel something too by reading this.
Feel heard. Feel loved. Feel cared for. Feel appreciated. Feel seen.
What else could we want?
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