There is a vastness where my mother grew up.
An Emptiness.
Fields.
Just fields.
Fields beyond the eye can see.
It’s something I yearn for.
This ability to look far far away.
I hold her pain in me.
And my grandmothers fears.
And my great grandmothers uneasiness around men.
They may not be feelings that I personally associate with,
but nevertheless,
Yes,
nevertheless,
still,
they live inside me.
Deep inside my gut.
My instinct has been tainted by them.
Deeply discolored.
But not like the rainbow.
More shadows of gray.
And not the light ones.
Where my ovaries are located and my eggs live, these feelings of theirs have taken residence.
They have nested themselves in there.
Like fungus, they have grown.
Uncontrollably.
Moving on from generation to generation.
Latching onto someone else.
Disrupting the balance.
It’s beautiful as much as it is tragic.
I love it and I hate it.
I admire it and I condemn it.
For I have gotten ALL the survival aspects that come with it.
They come included,
free of charge.
the strength,
the resilience ,
the persistence,
the ability to march forth after being torn apart,
emotionally ripped to pieces,
and yet,
without so much as a dent in their feelings, they know responsibility.
Life must somehow go on.
Even broken.
Especially when broken.
Or else it won’t pass.
Time won’t pass.
Standing still with that kind of pain would be unbearable.
But with them also lies the all their unlived lives.
The unfelt feelings.
All the broken hearts that didn’t even get to love first.
Just yearning.
Pure yearning.
Agony.
And here I am and I feel this need to live and breath it all for them.
In order to give it all some kind of justice.
All the pain
and all the suffering
had to have some worth.
Worth something.
Something bigger.
I know I won’t be able to live up to all these dreams and desires that live within me.
But by god, I damn sure know I will do my best to feel
every
single
being,
into their deepest molecule,
into its deepest facets.
Because if all this has done anything; It’s taught me, everyone and I mean every single one,
deserves to be seen and heard and feel love in this world.
In some form or another.
It’s quite simple really.
Love.
It’s the middle, beginning and end.
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